I told a friend I would write a story. I think she was a little blue at the time, but it took so damn long to finish that I'm not too sure if she is blue anymore. Anyway, I hope you enjoy. It's crappy and needs to be edited several times, but it really did happen. Not sure why I wrote it like a screenplay, just seemed to make sense.
EXT. COLLEGE INN PUB (CIP) - NIGHT
The College Inn Pub (CIP) is located in the basement of the College Inn, a Tudor style building located in Seattle next to the University of Washington campus. Built for the 1909 Alaska-Yukon-Pacific Exposition it is both historic and a little run down. Patrons enter on the side of the building through an old oak door, walking down a flight of stairs to enter the dark smoky bar.
INT. CIP - NIGHT
The CIP is decorated as an
English styled pub with lots of wood, dark green carpeting, beer signs adorning
the wall. In the front part of the bar there are a number of tables for
seating, 2 pinball machines located in the corner, 2 dart boards and 2 pool
tables. A fireplace splashes several tables with light.. In the back, two
additional rooms with tables and booths make up the rest of the bar. As
patrons enter the bar there is a juke box located by the stairs, located
directly across from the bar area. The bar is horseshoe shaped with barstools
all around; a pass through area is located at one end, bisecting the U, with a
separate service area for the wait staff. Hanging from the low ceiling,
surrounding the bar, shelves of pint glasses obscure the view to the other
side.. One edge of the bar is dominated by a long line of brightly colored tap
handles. In the middle of all of this stands the bartender, DAVE.
INT. CIP - NIGHT
Dave (AKA: Boomboom, DTBT (Dave The BarTender) Surly Dave) , stands behind the bar serving beers to patrons sitting at the bar and standing in line at a service area by the long row of taps. It is a busy night with many college students drinking, talking, playing games and constantly plugging the juke box with quarters to play the old 45s contained within. This evening Dave has the closing shift, which runs from 9pm to 2am when the bar closes. It's now about 1am and the evening has begun to wind down. As the evening slows DAVE is able to relax a bit and steps from behind the bar to take a drag from a cigarette and a big swig from a pint of beer. Dave is joined at the bar by bar regular Scoo, Rint, Gerald, and several random people sitting at the remaining barstools that surround the bar.
INT. MAIN BAR SERVICE AREA
A man in his early twenties approaches the bar service area tentatively. Dave notices the man as someone who had been in the bar for most of his shift and had recently left the bar. He takes his time finishing the conversation he was having with a friend and taking another drag from the cigarette as it smolders in the ash tray. Dave notices the man is somewhat fidgety and keeps looking around
The Pixies are on the jukebox as Dave steps back behind the main bar, lowering the service bar behind him, thus surrounding himself with about 3 feet of wood.
DAVE
Hey there. What can I do for you? You change your mind? You want another beer?
MAN
Um... oh yeah... um, no. Actually I need to ask you a favor.
DAVE
Uh... ok. Shoot. What can I do for you?
The man looks around the room.
MAN
Well do you have a PA in here? Like a loud speaker for making announcements?
Dave begins to sense that this is not the normal request for a cab or a phone call. Dave crosses his arms...
DAVE
You're looking at it.
MAN
So you could make an announcement for me?
DAVE
Well it depends on what it is you want me to say.
The man begins to fidget a little bit, giving off signals that he is uncomfortable with what he is about to ask...
MAN
Can you page to see if the owner of a green Volkswagen beetle is here? It's parked right out front. In front of the door.
DAVE
Why? Did they leave their headlights on?
MAN
Um... no. Can you just find out?
Dave is suspicious of the MAN. Asking the bartender to page someone is not unusual per se, but there is something odd about this exchange.
Annoyed...
DAVE
I'm not paging anyone until you tell me why.
The man fidgets a little bit more; transferring his weight from foot to foot as he stands there, hands thrust in his pockets.
Sheepishly...
MAN
Their dog has my ID.
Long pause...
DAVE
What?
MAN
Their dog has my ID.
DAVE
Their dog has your ID?
Flatly ...
MAN
Yeah. Their dog has my ID.
DAVE
How the fuck did their dog get your ID?
MAN
It grabbed it from out of my hand?
DAVE
It grabbed it from out of your hand?
Flatly...
MAN
Yeah. It grabbed it from out of my hand.
DAVE
How the fuck did it grab it from you?
Long pause as the man considers how to explain this. He again rocks on his heels, hands thrust deeper into his pockets.
MAN
Well... there is this green Volkswagen beetle parked right in front of the bar. You know, at the top of the stairs... right on the street. Um... and there is this little dog sitting on the front seat...
DAVE
Dude. Are you fucking kidding me???
MAN
...and the window is cracked...
DAVE
You aren't kidding me.
MAN
...and the dog is barking at me through the open window. So for some reason I had my ID in my hand because we just left the bar...
Dave turns to a SCOO, a patron sitting at the corner of the bar.
DAVE
Scoo. Dude. Can you believe this guy? A fucking dog just took his ID.
MAN
... and I just kinda stuck it into the window. You know. Just to kinda fuck with the little dog...
SCOO
What? What guy?
MAN
...because it was just sitting there. Barking.
Dave points his thumb in the direction of the man.
DAVE
This guy right here.
Dave turns back to the man.
DAVE
Did you check the door?
MAN
Dude. I know. It's fuckin locked.
DAVE
Why where you fucking with the dog in the first place?
Scoo looks at the man.
SCOO
Dude.
The man looks at Scoo then looks back to Dave.
MAN
I dunno. Because it was barking and I just came out of the bar.
SCOO
You shouldn't fuck with people's dogs. Man, that isn't cool.
The man looks at Scoo again, annoyed, and then looks back at Dave.
MAN
So I need to find the owner if the car because my ID is in the dogs mouth.
DAVE
Dude, you're an idiot.
MAN
Yeah, I know. But can you find out whose car it is and have them come up stairs?
Scoo turns to RINT, another patron at the bar who has been sitting at the back bar reading a book.
SCOO
Scoo points to the man with his thumb.
Rint. Rint! Check this guy out.
He was messing with somebody's dog through their car window with his drivers license and the dog took it and pulled it inside a locked car.
Rint looks up from his book. Looks at Scoo, looks at the man, looks at Dave then looks back at the man.
RINT
You shouldn't fuck with people's dogs.
MAN
I know.
Pleadingly looking at Dave.
Can you please help me.
Dave shrugs his shoulders, crossing his arms again. A faint smile crossing the corners of his mouth.
DAVE
I'm not going to shout that out. But I'll tell you what I can do. I'll turn the jukebox down and I'll let you yell out to the bar and see if anyone comes up.
Rint leans to his left to talk to GERALD.
RINT
Are you hearing this?
GERALD
Hearing what?
MAN
Looking at Rint but talking to
Dave.
Pleadingly.
Can't you just do it? Please?
Dave reaches behind the bar to turn the jukebox volume down. Standing beside the bar Dave shouts out...
DAVE
Loudly.
Can I please have everyone's attention! This guy needs to make an announcement.
RINT
To Gerald.
Someone's dog took this guy's ID.
MAN
To Dave...
Dude. Really? ... fuck...
GERALD
To Rint
Why did it do that?
DAVE
To Man.
Go ahead.
RINT
Because he was fucking with a dog or something.
MAN
... ... ... Um ...
DAVE
You're going to have to talk louder than that.
GERALD
Man, you shouldn't fuck with someone's dog.
The man glares at Gerald, then looks back at Dave, the color washing from his face.
DAVE
Go ahead.
SCOO
To Rint and Gerald.
Yeah, but it was one of those little yappy dogs.
The Man again rocks on his heals for a moment before mustering the courage to yell out to the crowded bar.
MAN
!!!Is the owner of a green Volkswagen beetle in the bar?!!!
RINT
To Scoo and Gerald.
I hate little yappy dogs.
DAVE
To Rint.
Yeah, but a little butter, a little garlic and I hear they're delicious.
To Man.
Dude, you are going to have to say it a lot louder than that. You will have to yell it to the back room too.
GERALD
What was that big dog's name on Sesame Street?
MAN
To Dave.
You're enjoying this aren't you.
RINT
What dog? There wasn't any dog on Sesame Street.
DAVE
Well, I wouldn't say that I'm not enjoying it.
MAN
Louder this time.
!!! Is the owner of a green Volkswagen beetle in the bar?!!!
Repeating to back rooms
!!! Is the owner of a green Volkswagen beetle in the bar?!!!
SCOO
Is Grover a dog?
GERALD
No. The dog that played keyboards in the band.
DAVE
Turning to Gerald.
You're thinking the Muppet Show. I don't think Sesame Street had a band.
A voice comes from the back room.
VOICE
Are the headlights on?
MAN
Turning to the voice coming from the backroom.
No! Can you just come up here. We need to talk to you!
RINT
To Gerald.
You mean the dog that only Big Bird and little kids could see?
More voices join in from the back room..
VOICE #2
Turn the music back on!!!
VOICE #3
Yeah!
GERALD
To Rint.
No. Your thinking Snufalafagus.
VOICE #1
Why do you need me then?
DAVE
To Gerald.
I thought it was
Snufalupagus. Like with a p not a f.
Shouting to Voice in backroom
BECAUSE YOUR DOG HAS HIS DRIVERS LICENSE!
The Man scowls at Dave, who shrugs his shoulders and looks back at Rint, Scoo and Gerald.
VOICE #2
Wanker!
SCOO
To Dave.
I think he's right. I think its Snufalapagus... but I don't think it was a dog.
RINT
Of course it wasn't a dog, it had a big trunk.
A young woman walks up to the bar from the back room. Visibly annoyed she walks up to Dave.
WOMAN
Who needs me?
Taking a swig of beer, Dave points at the man standing near the front of the bar.
GERALD
Bullshit. It's Snufalafagus. And it's not a dog, it's a monster with a big trunk.
The woman walks over to the man, hands on hips. She is much shorter than him, but walks right up to him, looking up.
WOMAN
What the fuck dude?
MAN
Sheepishly looking at woman.
Your dog has my driver's license.
Dave reaches over and turns the jukebox back up. The Stooges Funhouse plays in the background.
SCOO
Why would they put a monster in a show for kids? Wouldn't that scare the hell out of them?
MAN
Well... I got to the top of the stairs and your dog was barking through the crack in the window...
A random patron sitting at one of the bar stools chimes in to the conversation.
PATRON #1
To Scoo.
I know what you mean. That Snufalafagus scared the shit outta me when I was a kid.
SCOO
SEE!
MAN
... and I had my ID in my hand cause we just left the bar and I had given it to the bartender (points at Dave) for the darts...
GERALD
I'm not disputing that it was scary or whatever, just that it wasn't a dog.
RINT
Why don't you call the Library Lady answer line?
MAN
... and I started poking it through the window a little bit... (emphasizing) PLAYING with your dog.
DAVE
The Library Lady? What the hell can she do about a dog with an ID?
WOMAN
Angrily, she gets further into the man's face.
So you were fucking with my dog?
RINT
No, not that...
SCOO
See. Why would you put a fucking monster in a kids show? It probably traumatized that poor bastard for life. (Gestures towards Patron#1)
MAN
... well I didn't think...
DAVE
To Man.
Told you you shouldn't fuck with people's dogs. That ain't right.
RINT
... to ask her how to spell Snufalufa-whatever.
WOMAN
I should just leave the ID in the car and let my dog tear it apart.
DAVE
To Rint.
I'm pretty sure she's asleep by now.
PATRON #1
I mean... what the fuck is it? Is it a wooly mammoth? Is it a hairy elephant? And what's with those freaking huge eyes?
MAN
Please don't. I'm really sorry.
VOICE #2
WANKER!
SCOO
To Patron #1.
I know! A fucking monster of all things.
RINT
Well, maybe not now. But we could call another time when she's awake.
WOMAN
Well I aughtta...
DAVE
Since when have we ever remembered to look up anything we have talked about here?!
GERALD
Maybe it's in the dictionary.
MAN
I'm sorry. Can I please just get my ID back?
WOMAN
Whatever dude. You suck.
All at the bar laugh at the guy's misfortune.
The Man and Woman turn and walk up the stairs as those within earshot of the Man's story join in laughing at his misfortune.
DAVE
To Patron #1
Maybe you shouldn't be drinking if you have so much psychological damage from a Sesame Street Muppet. Are you going to wind up on the top of a clock tower tonight?
RINT
To Gerald.
Why the fuck would Snufalufa-whatever be in the dictionary?
GERALD
I don't know, they got all sorts of crazy shit in there.
Patron #1 shrugs his shoulders at Dave's comment and goes back to drinking his beer and chatting with the girl to his left.
SCOO
Dave. Can I have another? What time is it?
Rint looks at Gerald, shaking his head. Turning to Dave.
RINT
Yeah, Dave. I'll have another Henry's while you're at it .
GERALD
Fuck.
RINT
What?
Smashing his cigarette butt into the ashtray, Dave steps back behind the bar.
GERALD
I gotta open tomorrow.
RINT
And?
GERALD
Chuckles to himself.
Yeah... Dave, let me have one too. And a pack of Drum.
Dave closes the service bar behind himself, sealing himself into the bar. Three feet of wood between him and everybody else. James Brown plays on the jukebox as Dave pours 4 pints of beer.
EXT. COLLEGE INN PUB (CIP) - NIGHT
Students slowly exit the bar. The neon sign flickers a bit. The evening is quite and still.
